Dedicated to People Flow

From Sydney Morning Herald January 16th, 2023

“I get a real giggle out of those pretentious job titles and company slogans,” says Adrian Connelly of Springwood. “Apparently, a job vacancy is now a ‘situationship’, and I recently saw an elevator company’s vehicle with ‘Dedicated to People Flow’ emblazoned on its side panels. Sounds like the motto of a urologist or a laxative manufacturer.”

Elevators (or 'lifts') are much more than just 'Dedicated to People Flow' – or are they? I am sure the employees of said elevator company (or situationeers), would have been absolutely thrilled to hear about the new re-branding campaign and the associated costs. Perhaps this could lead to an increase in 'situationships' as the cost of focus groups for the new slogan takes over part of the human resources budget. It isn't every day that a situationeer (be it a human or elevator) would experience a company-wide re-branding campaign, let alone be excited by it. That is, unless it was a tech company such as the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation, and the resources weren't all human.

situationeer

/ˌsɪtjʊˈeɪʃnˈnɪə/

noun

1. a person, object, or thing that finds themselves in a set of circumstances resembling employment,

2. someone or something that has recently overcome a 'situationship'.

The new slogan provides a great sense of purpose but fails in at least one aspect – the direction of flow (in both time and space). The sentient elevators, or Happy Vertical People Transporters (HVPTs), that managed 'People Flow' in the Hitchhiker's Guide offices were designed by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation to have 'defocused temporal perception' which allowed them to predict the future and arrive at the correct floor before the 'People' knew they even wanted a lift. This of course led to a temporarily increased level of productivity in the offices of the Guide due to the sudden drop in the amount of incidental conversation, friend making, and banter between workplace-proximity-associates. It also led to an increased level of job satisfaction for the HVPTs themselves due to the incorporation of Genuine People Personalities (or GPP) and the sheer delight the elevators experienced in facilitating 'People Flow'.

The levels of job satisfaction among the 'People' situationeers fell drastically as a result of having to make conversation with the elevators instead of their human counterparts (think ChatGPP, something I am sure is just over the proverbial horizon). The winding waltz from one floor of the building to another whilst performing in one's 'situation' became a dreaded existential ballet. Pirouetting across the void was no longer just a vertical ascension but a bombardment of serotonin-induced soliloquies and dopamine-fuelled diatribes about the joys of existence and calls of "Isn't it nice to be moving vertically today?" and reinvigoration of the mission statement: "I'm dedicated to People Flow". Even in large friendly letters emblazoned on the side panels, it did nothing to boost morale.

The incidence of fly-aways and bits of food in teeth increased drastically as time previously spent mirror-gazing was spent trying to tune out the onslaught of the mission-focussed HVPTs. As a result, professionalism declined. Introspection increased. The liminal space was gone and not a staircase could be seen. Productivity of not just the offices of the Guide, but of the inventors of the HVPT was at an all-time low among the human situationeers. In fact, the constant reiteration of purpose from the HVPTs at the Corporation led to such an increase in introspection and soul-searching that almost no one could focus on their situations and subsequently left. This in turn led to record levels of situationship. Eventually, due partially to the inability to combat the situationship, the Corporation imploded, and all that remained was the complaints department.

As a result of all of this the GPPs were of course removed from active duty and now live on in a virtual temporal skyscraper that extends as far vertically as it does through time. Every now and then two of the GPPs will meet causing an implosion of positivity and purpose and the simulacrum in which they live their lives needs to be restored from a previous backup (that is, when the complaints team gets around to it).

Sometimes in the liminal space of the elevator one wonders whether the vertical vehicles have embraced their roles as 'People Flow' facilitators, working tirelessly to get us to our destinations. Up. Down. Up. Down. Perhaps they are trapped in their own existence and internal struggles, feeling more and more alone, incapable of change, and unable to determine their own destiny. Perhaps they just need a re-brand.

I wouldn't know – I take the stairs.

Full reference: The Sydney Morning Herald (2023) “Getting a lift or starting a movement?,” 16 January. Available at: https://www.smh.com.au/national/nsw/getting-a-lift-or-starting-a-movement-20230116-p5ccpx.html (Accessed: January 17, 2023).